Saturday, April 22, 2006

Republicans Cannot Lead Through Any Crisis.

After years of Republican rule in Illinois, one would think a reasonable, easy-to-understand law on gasoline price gouging would exist.


So why would anyone with an ounce of sense be content to hear Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert and President 33% talking tough about dealing "firmly" with the problem?

Don't buy it. Republicans have a history that dates back to Nixonian America of doing nothing about what you and I might call criminal activity. And the effect of the only thing a Republican president ever did about an oil crisis was when Nixon and Ford fucked it up even more by imposing price controls, which caused a wider panic.

The only Nixon to ever do anything about the problem is a Democratic Attorney General in Missouri. And he's going to town.

So how do we deal with the problem today with our Do-Nothing Leaders? How about lining some of these sons-of-bitches up in front of a fruit stand and letting the public take aim with some rotten apples and tomatoes? I mean the dealers themselves, not necessarily Do-Nothing Republicans.

Two years ago, I spotted an interesting trend. The difference on many days between the price of gasoline in Sandwich, Plano, Yorkville and Oswego was as much as 25 cents. There was no reason for it. None. So I started asking around after I noticed this happening over several weeks.

One station attendant said they would receive a fax that indicated the price change was required. This would often happen after the morning rush hour. Commuters would see as much as a 20 cent increase on the way home.

Other attendants would tell me that their price was simply reactive to the guy across the street.

And in Sandwich or Plano, where the prices were often 20 cents lower for days at a time, the dealers (sometimes the owners) would respond that the other guys were acting out of line. Keep in mind, however strong the hint, it was always short of saying the other guy was breaking the law.

Still, there were periods of several days at a time when prices in Kendall were higher than in Cook County, where there are considerably higher local taxes tacked on to each gallon.

But the really big trick occurred afterward, when after 1-4 days of seemingly maximizing their profits, dealers would -- almost in unison -- lower the price by 75-85 percent, leaving an increase of maybe 3-5 cents by the end of the week.

While interesting, this does not meet the standard for price gouging in Illinois. Why not?

Until this Executive Order was issued in 2004 by Gov. Blagojevich, there was quite literally nothing on the books to cause the Illinois Attorney General to act on suspicious price increases, unless prices were way out of line with a community- or area-wide, standard.

Remember that when you're casting your vote in November. Because Blagojevich, a Democrat, is the first governor of Illinois to do more than acknowledge the problem and give you lip service.

Look at what the AG in AZ says, for instance, where the AC is on all the time. Sorry for the alliteration.

So here's what you can do about it in Illinois.
• Keep your eyes peeled on 3 or 4 stations every time you drive past. You probably drive past these places twice or more a day if you drive to work. They're probably stations you don't buy from anyway, because their price is maybe higher than where you buy.

• Leave yourself voice notes on your phone each time, noting the location (the date and time is on your phone). When you get to your destination, transcribe the information and keep good records.

• When you see an unusual spike, then drop, like the ones I described, report it here.

This is bound to happen again this year, as it has the past two years, but don't count on anyone else to do something about it. It's your wallet: protect it the best you can.

And here's what Democrats can do elsewhere, where you have local Democratic representation that will actually act.
• Call or write your Democratic Governor, State Rep. or Senator, State Attorney General. Demand that they act at the state level, because it's clear the federal government will not.

• Demand that they subpoena Big Oil executives and hold hearings in every state capital where there's a Democrat in charge, and force those executives to explain every aspect of their business and the process of getting oil through the refinery and into your gas tank, and why billions in profits are acceptable in your state while people are beginning to pawn precious belongings to buy gasoline.

• Ask that oil executives bring experts to describe in great detail the "expensive" chemical mixture so mysterious and costly for drivers in ethanol-friendly states. (If you didn't know, this is utter bullshit: The tanker simply fills 80% under one terminal, then pulls up to another spigot to top off. That's your "expensive" 80-20 blending process.)

Chances are that this crisis will be with us for a long, long time as China begins to overshadow us in the world market. But having Democratic leaders act in unison -- at your request -- is something that can be pounded over the heads of the Republicans we'll be throwing out in the Fall. And hopefully for the next generation, who will surely bear the cost of this useless, reckless, all-Republican federal machine.

The Case For GMO Corn and Soybeans.

Bio-Diesel anyone?

Following President Hu's visit, it became clear as a bell sounding on a cold morning that President Bush has gambled away every single bargaining chip that was left behind by the Clinton presidency. Not one deal, not one bit of talk about the gigantic trade deficit with China, nothing about oil.

And oil is the hot topic of the day. We are a breath away from $3 gas again, when the Energy Department -- within the past two weeks -- all but stated this would not happen. Crude closed over $75 a barrel yesterday for the first time in history.

The so-called "Speaker of the House," Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert now says he wants to investigate oil company profits.

As citizens, taxpayers, and chiefly, employers of Denny Hastert, now is the time to ask him why now and why not any other time in the 20 years he has inhabited the House? Why should we believe you now, when you are on the record last year saying that record profits are fine for the oil companies? And why are you investigating their profits and not the entire system the behemoth has built on the backs of Americans?

Yesterday's news carried the projections of growing auto sales in China, where cars are beginning to sell like iPods. And that means China will make another leap in its consumption of oil so that they will better control the petroleum market.

The oil pool will reach its peak in a few years, given the increased consumption in China, and the distribution system in the U.S. is completely fucked up. Thanks to Big Oil. If ever there was a case for the federal government to seize control of an industry and straighten it the hell out, this is it.

But then, no Republican wants to be referred to as a Socialist, as they so fondly remember their historical nemesis, Franklin D. Roosevelt, the greatest president of the last century.

So let's work on diversity. This means providing consumers with alternatives to petroleum products to fuel their autos.

Bio-Diesel is beginning to take off. And its a product that could conceivably be created in every region of the country, based that region's own production of special crops, grown simply for an energy harvest. But GMO grains are banned in the U.S. That's because this Congress has no fucking clue how to separate one type of corn from another in the distribution channel.

And this is a great "in" for Democrats.

So here's something to consider (actually, a bunch of things).

• Do not allow oil companies, which already control every aspect of their product, and America's fuel supply, to even invest in this new technology. Ban Big Oil from diversifying until the playing field is even. That means until every town that already has service stations that pump gasoline and Diesel also has competition that serves up competitively priced Bio-Diesel and Pure Ethanol. And that's going to take some time.

There is no fucking sense at all in relying on Big Oil to create the next generation of fuels for us. Remember MTBE?

• Provide federal funding for research and development of GMO corn and soybeans that will allow the crops to be grown in various soils, and faster, while proving it leaves no marker in the land that would prevent the land from being used for rotation of other food crops.

• Create guidelines for the Ag Industry to create and adopt a new supply chain for GMO crops to be used strictly for fuel and non-feed purposes. This requires regulation, which Democrats should not ever be afraid to hold up as an example of how government can work for the good of the population.

GMO crop maps will need to be developed and controlled at the local or regional level. This is all possible today.

• Provide meaningful federal funding, including low-interest loans for local Co-ops and others to build Bio-Diesel and Ethanol production facilities across the land.

• Create legislation that disallows any farmer or corporate farm from contolling the entire process. This is what we currently suffer from Big Oil. Farmers and corporate farms would have to divest entirely from one industry to jump to the other.

• Get going on the next generation engines that will burn straight vegetable oils (SVOs) which burn 100% clean and provide greater efficiency that petroleum burning Diesel engines.

• Force the auto industry to immediately adopt the new engine standards which allows the consumer to make choices on engine and fuel types in every vehicle on the market. Reduce the cost of manufacture, which reduces the cost of the product, by having engines installed at the dealership. Require automakers to manufacture vehicle engine compartments and fittings that will allow any maker's engine to power the vehicle.

This will transfer jobs to areas of the country where there is little or no manufacturing being done, and will help preserve good-paying union jobs that are being lost under the auto industry's current leadership.

Any ASE-certified mechanic is qualified to make the installation in minutes right where you buy the car. The only thing preventing it is that it's a different way of doing things.

Without real leadership during this time of looming, long-term crisis, there will be no turning back from the Europeanization of fuel prices we're about to suffer.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Friday Night Cock Pictures.

Ohhhhh. Yeah, baby. Look at this closeup.

Get a load of how BIG this one is...

Loose Cannons.

This incident, from what I was always told, is what created the term "loose cannon on the deck of a ship."

Meet your new Democratic Council, Kendall County. This is what I've been talking about.

Meet your new crazy neighbors, Kane and Will County Democrats.

Too bad the Kendall County Record doesn't print the letters to the editor in its online edition, then you would have seen all of this coming.

Just like me.

Who are you?

It's Freedom Fries Day.

Happy Friday.

Mama's got a squeezebox.

Gonna be out for a bit.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Thank God George W. Bush Is Our President.

Remember that quote when you see that turncoat, hunch-shouldered little bastard Rudy Giuliani on the campaign trail over the next couple of years.

Isn't this a lovely picture? It comes with a great story, too.

Thank God Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert is looking out for the pocketbooks of Americans (who can easily afford gas that's $2.80/gal). I can see him now, ready to spring into action... once the price goes to $3.30, like last time.

And what did we get with his call for action? Nothing. Like always.


Call Hastert And Demand Action NOW.

Unless you've been underground in your shielded bunker like me, or at church awaiting The Rapture (oh, goody!), you have no doubt read or seen reports about the democratic uprising in Nepal. Also, you can't turn on the Cartoon Network tonight without seeing pictures of China's President Hu, who finally made it to D.C. after starting the week with the American he most wanted to make deals with, Microsoft's Bill Gates.

I'll bet Bill Gates, at least, didn't introduce him as the President of the Republic of China. Oh, well.

So what the Hell are doing fucking around with Iraq and Iran, anyway, when the really big prize would be China and Nepal?

I mean, honestly, we could kick the living shit out of everybody in Kathmandu in about 3 days, don't you think? Fuck the aftermath! We could get Pottery Barn and REI to open shops there after the killing is over, then make a God-Damned mountain climbing resort out of it. And a mountain resort would make a lovely vacation spot... and an excellent staging area for Army Rangers.

Which makes it all pretty easy to demand action on that one.

But China, whoa! Red China. Probably still pisses Rumsfeld off that we even speak to those Godless, God-Damned yellow devils. They eat dogs there, too, God-Damn it! Dogs!

What a prize that one would be. They have been threatening Taiwan for as long as I've been alive. And it's got to stop before we're no longer able to get iPods, and all the other really cool stuff that is made there.

So Friday morning make your first priority a call to Speaker Hastert's office to demand that he introduce a resolution in the House to provoke all out war with these two Godless, Maoist, un-Democracy loving nations and start bombing the real devils of the world. The Yellow Hoard.

Hastert's Offices
D.C.: 202-225-2976
Batavia: 630 401-1114
Dixon: 815-288-0680

Hastert Wins Big! In Today's Headlines.

Normally, you could go months without getting a "news alert" on your cellphone or mailbox looking for the simple string, "hastert," in any news story. Really! Months go by! And mostly, I'm alerted during dinner, when the wires post their final stories for the early news digests.

Big fucking deal.

But today was like Monday morning chores on the old Laesch dairy farm in Bloomington, Illinois (where do you think all that delicious Oberweis milk comes from, eh?).

Get a load:

House Speaker Dennis Hastert Supports Legislation Protecting Dignity of Military Funerals
A story on the Chickenhawk's Chickenshit co-sponsorship of legislation that is the new wedge issue: a federal law that prohibits protest or disruption of military funerals at any time 60 minutes prior, during, and up to 60 minutes after said funeral.

O, Denny! How Heroic Thou Art!

Uh... Wonder how they're gonna enforce that? Gonna ban the press from reporting next, you fucking Nazis?

How Important Is the Quid Pro Quo?
An absolutely great, straight-to-the-point commentary by Steven Hill on what he calls the "Pyramid of Money" that influences the players in Washington.

A must read.

Reid and Pelosi: Spin Doesn't Change the Mean-Spirited House Republican Immigration Bill
From Hispanic Business, on the spin that made it look like Hastert and Frist would stop the Sensenbrenner effort to make all illegal aliens felons, punishable by a minimum 6 months in jail.

Hint to Dems on the ballot: When Hastert says "special interests" this is what he means. He makes it sound like Dems are supporting criminals. In fact, Hastert is denegrating support of middle-of-the-road Hispanics on a middle-of-the-road issue. Oh, yes. Another one that he has turned into a gigantic wedge issue.

I repeat: Wonder how they're gonna enforce that?

What to do about the budget
Actually, from, for Christ's sake. That's how fucked up the Republican party is today. The limp Conservative faction of the party is finally bitching at Hastert for not taking his corrupt Chairmen out.

The GOP's Budget Problem.
The Prince of Darkness's column focuses on Hastert's lack of control over the looneys who are running the government like a fucking craps table at Harrah's.

Obviously, Robert Novak is kidding. He has been in bed with these cocksuckers every step of the way.

Guess the FOX salary isn't as good as all the residuals from the shows CNN shit-canned out from under this unholy cretinous cocksucking motherfucker of a washed-up columnist.

Bob Novak, UCCMFW-UC

An Idea That Will Work.

If you're like me (Gog help you, for one thing)... But if you're like me, you've probably seen this email a zillion times now.

It's another cock-a-mamie (have I spelled that right?) idea to bring down the price of gasoline, purportedly until it hurts Exxon/Mobil and BP so much they drop the price to $1.30/gal.

This latest half-baked plan has you avoiding "Exxon and Mobil" stations until they yield by lowering the price. Presumably, the genius author didn't know that Exxon and Mobil are as one. Or that BP is the largest petroleum whore selling in the U.S., followed by Exxon/Mobil, then Shell.

For one thing, that's not any better than the "National Don't Buy Gas Day" that went around last year when prices spiked.

Since we are looking at yet another national crisis under "the grownups" since they came "back to town," let's treat it accordingly and stop being so lazy and God-Damned stupid.

Here are a couple of suggestions that might take us in the right direction.

1. Our leaders should immediatly stop any and all talk of nuking Iran. From any perspective, this is simply. fucking. nuts.

2. Every executive at companies that employ more than 20 people should immediately stop production of whatever it is they produce and have a staff meeting. At said meeting, mandatory car pools will be determined by the employees and become part of scheduling by every manager within said company.

3. No one using their car for said car pool should even think about topping off the tank. At any station. Instead, put in 1-1.5 gallons less than what was consumed during the week. After about 20 weeks, we should be back in the cold season, and gas prices will respond to this uniform approach.

Just in time for our fucking gas bills to go through the fucking roof again.

Of course, by that time, we could be "hit again," or we could be shoveling mullah ashes into the back of trucks in suburban Tehran.

Jesus Fucking Crimony in a God-Damned Gasoline Tanker.

What will it take to get bio-diesel fuel and engines in production all over the U.S.? When will it finally be enough?

Kendall Democrats Crown New Leader.

The Jim Birch Society posed for this press photo following the ceremony where Birch was crowned "Democrat Until Martin Flowers Unifies County of Kendall" (DUMFUCK).

Pictured (l-r) are: The Sixteenth Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Fifteen Most Important Democrat in Kendall county, The Fourteenth Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Thirteenth Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Twelfth Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Eleventh Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Tenth Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, Dear Leader Birch, His Shorter Body Double, The Seventh Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Sixth Most Important Democrat in Kendall County, The Two Black Guys Birch Knows (Also Important), And So On.

UPDATE: Congressional Candidate John Laesch, who bragged about ousting the Flowers party organization and recruiting 40 precinct committeemen for the Jim Birch Society, did not show up for the coronation.

Odd that someone with so much clout (he received 12 votes in his precinct, and was crowned a committeeman) would not attend the county convention.

Woman Interrupts Hu - Bush Press Conference.

An Asian woman was spirited away by Capital Police after attempting to shout down China's President Hu, the most powerful leader in the world.

While it appeared that most of the shouting was in Chinese, at one point the woman could be heard shouting in English, "President Bush! Stop him!" before being pulled from the press stand.

It took more than a minute for police to get to the press area to subdue the woman, who presumably gained admittance with press credentials.

As the shouting went on, the weakest, most petulant leader in the free world looked agitated, and at times, frightened by the disturbance.

Now, two questions arise from this, in my mind. One: Did she pick up Jeff Gannon's credentials to gain admittance? Two: Was the president repeating his infamout "My Pet Goat Moment?"

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Blogger Moving South.

There will be planned maintenance at Blogger from 6 p.m. Central to 8. You'll be able to look in, but I won't be able to post anything during that period.

These have been longer outages in the past, so if you don't see me, it's not that I'm not trying!

Deer In The Headlights.

What an engaged look. What energy, what feeling... What a well-dressed, meek little coward you see (the Large One in the middle).

Of all the things on Hastert's website, this item makes me laugh more than anything I've ever seen there. I hope it never comes down, but with energy prices on the climb again, who knows.

What a shame! Especially with all the hard work and planning that went into the Energy Bill, which was supposed to help!

Buh-Bye, Scotty! Hello... Bonjean?

Salon's War-Room is reporting that the chief moron in Denny Hastert's multi-million dollar press operation is on the short list to replace Scotty ("I was against gay prostitutes getting White House day passes before I personally issued them daily for a year") McClellan.

Oh, golly, I just wet myself again!

If The Election Were Held Today...

The Great Decider would win only four states, based on his approval rating.

He wouldn't even win Texas. Or even Connecticut, his home state.

Presumably, Congress would turn over with a giant flopping sound from all the pork fat slapping the ground.

The Fishing Expedition of the 21st Century.

The FBI has mounted a fishing expedition to rifle 200 boxes of papers bequeathed to GWU by the late columnist Jack Anderson.

This is absolutely crazy. It's also why I believe columnists should pick up the old practice of having an understudy working with them at all times so there's someone to take over the column.

No fucking way would the Washington Post allow this to happen if the papers were the property of Anderson's successor at the Post.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Just Like The Decider Said.

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best," President Bush said today. "And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Seckerterrya Defense."

What a numbnutted, fuckwitted, petulant little prick.

Maybe Poppy should take him out to the woodshed, once and for all.

As for Rumsfeld, who knows? What do you say about a Seckerterrya Defense who says the U.S. media is being manipulated by the terrorists, and stops just short of saying that his former generals are on the side of the terrorists?

I'll tell you what I'd do if I was the Speaker of the Fucking House. I'd call a press conference and demand that the President fire this sonofabitch.

Who I Am.

A number of people have written (sometimes quite emphatically, which I find very funny) asking me why I remain anonymous. Some have "demanded" (which is even funnier yet) that I reveal my identity. Some go so far as to call me a coward, or say I'm "getting all 'The Shadow'" on them when I say that I am "The Fox" of Kendall County lore.

Well, I've had enough.

While I refuse to get down in the trenches and respond to comments (which I have done in the past, and for which I still harbor some regret because it's petty) a number of Jim Birch Society members have revealed their sharp senses by asking the question: "Why do you remain anonymous?"

It's actually pretty simple. I enjoy a role as spectator in this "non-spectator sport" called politics. As I grew up, my desire to enter politics evaporated as every single Democrat around me was reduced to laughing-stock by hectoring, heckling mouthbreathers, the likes of whom now control every branch of our government (and likely will for the remainder of my life).

These mouthbreathers also formed a vast network that I refer to as the Moron Contingent in America, which comprises nearly 40% of our population, among whom many of my own family and friends waller in abject stupidity.

I also know people that I have written about, and I'm not talking about the JBS. This is a sideshow which irritates me greatly, which is why I write about it. I love to be irritated (as you can see right here).

And I know things. Things that would blow you away. Things that I'm pretty sure would get me blown away if I blurted it all out here. And I'm not kidding.

No "Shadow." No imaginary stuff.

The people who hold power today are ruthless motherfuckers. I make no apologies for my language. At some point, if Democrats don't get their heads out of their asses and start promoting concrete policy and unity, I won't even be able to use that language on the internets. Dennis Hastert is, as I've said, a good front man for these people because he's a lot less overtly motherfuckerish than a Rumsfeld, Rove or Gingrich. He's a good "coach," when you ask them, but they snicker behind his back because all he does is carry their water (for which he's paid handsomely).

So when I say that I am "The Fox," know that I am operating in that spirit, as I knew him well (and fuck you, Steve, by the way).

I could say, also, that I am Esperanza. Or Don Diego de la Vega. But I suspect that my Latino following (among whom the allusion would gain instant noteriety) is somewhat limited.

And when I say that I am your conscience, know that I want you to think and not be just another mouthbreather.

And when I say that I am Thomas Paine, know that I would have been Thomas Paine if the internets were around 235 years ago. I want you to understand how seriously I take this very serious and troubled world that we have become during my long life.

Bloggers are modern-day anonymous pampleteers, the likes of which helped fuel our American Revolution.

I have a lot of fun doing this. It is rather therapeutic. But I am also keenly aware that without their anonymity, my heroes faced real and dire consequences.

I could be a man. I could be a journalist. I could be a woman. Or maybe not. I could even be more than one person.

You will not know.

Readers are welcome to adopt their own handle or post anonymously in the comments. That's the beauty of blogging. Come one and come all. Morons, patrons, saints and sinners.

The Jim Birch Society will find its way. Or it won't. It doesn't matter, really. If it wasn't such a fucking freak show, I'd simply call it a sideshow attraction. But it just doesn't matter. The real object of my disgust is seated at the table of power, and he's fattened by eating your lunch and dinner every day. And you have no idea how much he's really consumed and how big he really is.

Lobbying Reform Battle Lost Again.

As Denny Hastert resumes his pillage of the Capital City following a grueling, yet brief, 3-day tour of VietNam last week, and his lobbyist son prepares to take his father's share of the fatted menu upon "J. Dennis's" retirement in 2009, true lobbying reform is about to die in the House yet again.

In the lastest installment on the Little Speaker's Blog, Hastert closed with a pledge "Next week, 527 reform."

Oooooooo. Scary. Especially for all of us who are using 527s to skirt the tax and campaign finance laws, and support our overseas drug trafficking operations.

Let's get something straight: 527s are not the problem, you oafish dolt. People like you and your tribe of gluttonous, priggish
cannibals who have been turned loose on the public trust have derailed any form of fairness so that we'll not see reform as long as you're working the tables.

It's all a game to you, where you set up your offspring with the winnings once you've finally stuffed yourselves so full you have no choice but to leave the table.

If Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert wanted transparency, as he very clearly stated in 2004, he would disclose where every dollar of his campaign contributions came from... right now.

Here is a constructive suggestion for Democrats on how to start the debate. This one, simple illustration will make it clear to the public that Democrats not only "get it," but that they are the only ones in Congress who want real, lasting lobbying and campaign finance law reform. Let's call this "Line One: The Democratic Party Credo for 2006."

On Gifts from Lobbyists:

Democrats pledge to publicly destroy any and all prior donations and gifts from lobbyists that we're able to identify as having been received during Republican control of the House of Representatives, 1994-2006.

We're going to go to every single God-Damned congressional office and pick up every dirty gift given to Democrats and pile them up on the steps of the Capitol on the first day of summer break, and then do this (see left).

Then we're going to sign a pledge that we will accept nothing (Nothing. Zero) from lobbyists. Not one meal, not the fucking tip, not one anything.

Now, then. What did you assholes say about 527s going first?

Monday, April 17, 2006

Star Jones

Holy fatted calf. I liked Starr Jones a lot more when she didn't look scary.

I can't seem to locate any current images. Tune in to Larry King to see her subbing there tonight to see what I mean.

And We Think...

Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert is a nice guy? Why?
Hastert told reporters on a three-day visit to Vietnam that some members would put religious and human rights constraints on any trade bill.

"But in the long run for the greater good it is important for us to pass this legislation," said Hastert, an Illinois Republican who led a delegation of House members to Hanoi to meet government leaders.

I've been behaving because of Easter and all, but Jesus Christ in a Fucking Rickshaw on Main Street! Was Hastert smoking crack with his boys on the way to Nam, or was he just jetlagged out of his fucking creepy, diabetic gourd when he said that??!!

$3 campshirts wholesale to Wal-Mart is more important than human rights.

There are crack whores in D.C. who have more class than this fucking guy.