Look Out, It's The Morons Again.

It appears that the Moron Contingent has invaded the Chicago Tribune's DC-based newsblog.

Frank James did, I think, an excellent job explaining in his piece why the press has to fight to cover Dick "Dick" Cheney. But the comments are filled with astonishingly stupid statements and outright apologies for Cheney's actions.

Guess it's time to start checking the death statistics in the U.S. I'm wondering how many registered voters drown while holding their mouths to the sky during rainstorms.

Jesus Crimony.

WWCD?

What Would Cheney Do?

That should be the question we ask ourselves, moving forward. I believe in moving forward, but there are still things about this story that nag at me.

When the story broke the next day, for instance, Ms. Armstrong said at first she thought Cheney had suffered some sort of heart ailment when she saw the security detail moving in.

Why then, is Dick "Dick" Cheney insisting Katharine Armstrong was the best person to talk to the media... based on the fact that she witnessed the entire event. She obviously did not if she had some misconception about Cheney's condition, unless he fell to the ground after firing the shot (which he didn't mention).

She doesn't give that impression, either. She says Cheney remained "close but cool." Now, I believe that. Look at all of the sundry carnage he's created, and without a flinch!

Later, the rest of the hunting party that didn't decide to cram into the ambulance (Cheney's excuse for not going to the hospital) sat down to dinner at the Armstrong ranch. Probably had a nice quail dinner. Personally, I'd recommend a delicious Madeira marinade, (although this is a much easier recipe) then serving the game birds with a nice Semillon, a Sauvignon Blanc, perhaps. This is an excellent, reasonably priced label, btw, and I'm not paid to make the recommendation. Nosir.

Oh, maybe a Beaujolais Villages or perhaps a Merlot? Then again, you could serve a decent Pinot Noir with about anything and no one would complain! Well, let's talk recipes and wines some other time.

But who has time to make all these decisions at such a time? Armstrong said Cheney's demeanor at dinner was very worried about Harry Whittington.

I think if I had shot my "friend" in the face with any weapon which would require flight to the emergency room, I would find myself eating jerky and soft drinks from the God-Damned hospital vending machines. If able to eat at all.

So there are still questions... Such as What Would Cheney Do under the following circumstances.

Kid Cheney
You're a college student, albeit a very poor one. And no (heh!) I don't mean lacking funds (if you know what I mean). You're a major league asshole, some might say, and have a couple of DWI's under your belt. And you're a terrible student. Let's say you're an "F" average.

But there's a war on, and it threatens to draft you into the ranks of the awful little people who serve their country when called upon. You have a couple of choices, now. Think about this carefully.

You could just try harder. You know, hit the books. You could ( * gasp! * ) just enlist and buck up. Hell, if you enlist, you'll probably be able to finish in some kind of Army school and end up with an Engineering degree or something.

Or you could simply marry your sweetheart and get her knocked up right away. Hey, you might only be a few years away from your first heart attack! Go for it! Right?

WWCD?

Drive-By Cheney
You've been drinking. OK. So you had a beer with lunch (but, uh, that was five hours ago). Now it's rush hour, and you're really into a news story that's on the radio. You turn a corner, and you're blinded by the sun. When you hear a thump, its seems like you've run over something. When you pull over to check the tires, you notice a body in the street.

For whatever reason, maybe you're the Vice President of the United States, and you've had four heart attacks, and you like to take a little nip now and then (which might not be so good for the ticker). Maybe you just have an ambulance and your own private staff of EMTs. Whatever. Do you send them on their way with the body and drive off?

Maybe it's better if you just kind of play it low-key. Have your secret service detail tell the police to just go fuck themselves or something if they come to the door. You've got to have time to pull yourself together, for Christ's sake. You're very worried.

Besides, there's a wonderful dinner waiting for you at home. Wines and everything. And you've already checked in with the boss.

WWCD?

Nuclear Cheney
This one happens over a period of time. So you bet your ass you've been drinking.

The price of oil continues to climb and the limp-wristed "conservationist" types (you know what I mean) keep insisting on the nonsensical notion that we're going to run out of oil. That's a laugh, but not the point. Ha!

Your former employer is already doing great after you've left them (with a considerable financial stake in the outfit, I might add). Your current connections are about to get them off the hook -- while appearing to hold them to account -- on a laundry list of asbestos claims, and you've been able to secure billions of dollars worth of work for them. So you're keeping the momentum going, anyway. Which is good, because as an oil services company, they're going to be stuck when the old tap runs dry. All of this diversification makes it look as though you believe the aforementioned LWC's.

Ahem...

So now "you" have crafted a new energy policy after having a number of secretive meetings with secret energy industry executives. And if you want to know who they are, go fuck yourself.

Executive Privilege, you assholes.

So a couple of years after you make building new nuclear power plants in this country for the first time since Three Mile Island the centerpiece of a new energy policy, a couple of them (not really very far apart) appear to have leaked several hundred thousand gallons of water contaminated with radioactive tritium.

WWCD?

If you start thinking inward, and wonder what you might do, you flunk. Take your conscience out of this. Loser.

You'd better bet your answers would be different from Dick "Dick" Cheney's.

50-Mentum.

So much for Big Mo and Little Mo. Here's 50 MO. And it ain't "Joe-Mentum" that put the Boy Ingemunson story as the banner story in this week's Kendall County Record. It was 50-Mentum.

The data has been available for a couple weeks, but made the paper today (Monday night is the deadline -- I posted Monday afternoon).

Tony Scott has a nice, balanced piece on the fundraising with all donor information. The Oswego-Sentinel/Record stories are posted seven days after publication. You'll see it here next Friday.

If you're in Kendall County this week, pick up a copy of any of the Record Newspapers while you're here (anywhere you can buy gasoline or food, I think). Scott does an excellent job on his beat, and it's a nice little paper worth supporting.

When Owning Your Household Budget Isn't Enough.

Today's Chicago Tribune reports that Exelon Corporation is now poisoning Grundy and Will Counties with radioactive tritium leaks from its Braidwood and Dresden nuclear power plants.

Let's build more nuclear power plants!

When we talk about campaign finance reform and lobbying reform, my own opinion is that these two wholly crooked operations are inextricably woven together. And this is the kind of thing that reform must wipe away forever.

The Great Gingrich Swindle lives on in the fat, pounding hearts of thieves like Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert and his ilk. Tax cuts for the wealthy are going directly into the pockets of those who have the power in government. That's the game, folks.

Talk About Loaded...

This "answer" by Cheney in today's hard-hitting (almost) real-life interview with Brit Hume, the worst television anchor in the history of the universe, is absolutely loaded. I'll just punch in my comments in italics.

CHENEY: Well, I still do. I still think that the accuracy was enormously important. Only now it's a gas, because I was secretive, as usual, and you know how much I enjoy fucking with people. I had no press person with me, I didn't have any press people with me. Only EMTs, who travel by ambulance with me wherever I go, which should be somewhat alarming to you, because it should well illustrate how much I've been lying about my overall health for years. I was there on a private weekend with friends on a private ranch. So fuck you. The trip was none of your God-Damned business. In terms of who I would contact to have somebody who would understand what we're even talking about, the first person that we talked with at one point, when Katherine first called the desk to get hold of a reporter didn't know the difference between a bullet and a shotgun -- a rifle bullet and a shotgun. It was a nameless, faceless, even imaginative kind of person that I use to illustrate my points quite often, Brit. It didn't happen. And there are a lot of basic important parts of the story that required some degree of understanding. ...for instance of what kind of baby-eating, uncaring monster I really am. And so we were confident that Katherine was the right one, especially because she was an eye-witness and she could speak authoritatively on it. And I personally knew she'd hold our story together. She probably knew better than I did what had happened since I'd only seen one piece of it. The piece shining in the glimmer of late afternoon sunlight that was coming off of my friend Harry's face.

Cheney Interview Transcript...

This just in, in segments

CHENEY: No. It was partly that. It was partly — also, it had to do with — he is the kind of individual who will make those kinds of charges and then come after you as though he's your best friend. And I expressed, in no uncertain terms, my views of the — of his conduct and walked away.

CAVUTO: Did you curse at him?

CHENEY: Probably.

(LAUGHTER)

CAVUTO: Do you have any regrets?

CHENEY: No. I said it, and I felt that...

(CROSSTALK)

CAVUTO: So let me understand, he comes up, he sees you, Mr. Vice — he's all nice, shakes your hand. And then what do you do, let into him?

Cheney goes on for a few minutes next, then says this:

And I informed him of my view of his conduct in no uncertain terms. And as I say, I felt better afterwards.

CAVUTO: All right.

Uh, oh... Wait a minute. This is the transcript of the exclusive interview he did with Fox after he told Sen. Patrick Leahy, "Go fuck yourself."

Has anybody heard? Did Cheney shoot anybody while he was at the Fox studio today?

Hastert Talking Out of Both SidesOf His Big Fat Mouth.

Speaker of the House of Representatives Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert, Drinker of Oil, Whore, Sandwichandcoffeegetter of the CEOs.

Guess this is what he was talking about when he and others stood in front of a service station in DC and talked about bringing gas prices down for consumers.

This is not serving anyone but Hastert and the moneyed bastards that feed him.

Thoughts on the Katrina Report.

I'm wondering tonight whether or not the damning Katrina report to be released tomorrow by a special House committee will be readily available. It's certainly not being hyped, as it should be, on the house.gov site.

I seem to remember the shameful hyping prior to the release of the Starr Report, and Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert's site's spinning eyeballs and star-bursts pointing to the links upon its surprise release to the public.

This time is different, though. This is government doing the very hardest thing it can do: evaluating itself critically. And this time, there is nothing but shame and outrage.

Will Hastert make a statement tomorrow? Doubt it. He hasn't said a God-Damned thing so far (not that it would make a headline if he did). This is a guy who's made a career of lying low, and when saying something, saying nothing at all.

A nice little dose of leadership would be nice right about now.

Liberated Quail Hunting, The Sport of Queens.

Not the kind you find trolling Broadway. The Queens of historical significance. The Queens of England, for instance, love hunting quail. The 28 gauge shotgun does not have as much kick or powder as any other hunting rifle, which makes it a popular ladies sport.

Enter Dick "Dick" Cheney.

Cheney prefers what's technically known as "liberated hunts," which is what he was doing this past weekend at the Armstrong Ranch. That's where sometimes hundreds of fowl (bred specifically for this purpose) are turned loose and slaughtered by the hunting party.

I say slaughtered, because as many of my friends who hunt have told me, because the fowl, once released in this strange territory and terrain, are often confused and disoriented in their new surroundings, thus making them easy prey.

That's why when Cheney and Scalia were hunting together a few years ago with a party, Cheney was famously credited with shooting more than 70 quail. Close to 500 were released for the hunt; more than 400 were slaughtered. What's more, as many mallard and pheasant were also released and slaughtered.

With all that game flying about, why, one could even do it drunk. Which leads me to the theory that the Vice President was drinking during the hunt, and continued to drink that night, which is why he was under wraps.

Cheney's a drunk.

We know that he has the "disease of Kings." How fitting that he enjoys the sport of Queens, as well.

"Mike" Chertoff: Meet My Expectations.

Leave government forever.

Chertoff and Cheney both are playing it low-key today, just what we've come to expect from our responsive, grown-up led government.

Yesterday, Chertoff talked about "what we need to do... moving forward" with DHS and FEMA to prevent another Katrina-like show of government complacency.

On September 2, 2005, I said all I probably need to where this incompetent bastard is concerned.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy VD, Dear Hearts.

Twenty-Eight Yards.

Not only was Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert's buddy and mentor, Dick "Dick" Cheney hunting illegally when the "accident" occurred Saturday, the victim was only about 90 feet away (or less) when the Vice President of the United States of America pulled the trigger.

Jesus.

My fucking driveway is 90 feet, and I'd hate like hell to have to shoot someone out of anger at that distance. That would be like killing the mailman in my neighborhood.

Then again, Cheney uses a Girl's Gun when he hunts.

What a Complete and Total Asshole.

Major League, Minor League, Big Time, or not. Big Dick Cheney is a complete and total asshole.

Since you can't say that at the Chicago Tribune's D.C. Bureau Blog, I'll say it here (as if it needs to be said out loud anymore today).

It appears that Cheney's license and stamps are now at issue down in good old Texas.

This Is How It Works In Kendall County.

People outside this county often ask me, what it must be like here in order for a guy like Denny Hastert to rise to the position of U.S. Representative. The House Speaker thing is spelled D-E-L-A-Y.

Here's how it works here.

Someone close to the Speaker was arrested for a DUI recently. Phones rang. Police procedures were not followed. The "Strong Smell of Alcohol" is noted on the paperwork...

But there was no breathalizer. No "blow test" was done.

The case was just thrown out.

When you're connected to Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert and his friends, the local authorities respect your place in society.

Others were not so lucky over the holidays.

The Rise of Boy Ingemunson.

Well, well. Dallas Ingemunson's little Boy wants to follow in his father's footsteps. And Daddy sure is piling on the cash. Not his cash, though. That's not the Republican way we've come to know and love.

It's other people's money. To the tune of more than $113,000 at year-end.

Boy's opponent for Kendall County State's Attorney in the March primary is an assistant State's Attorney in the Kendall County State's Attorney's office and has already received the endorsements of most of the county officials, notably Treasurer Jill Ferko, who beat the "establishment Republican" candidate in 2002.

If the money spent so far is any indication, though, Ingemunson's family pursuit of power means they'll stop at nothing to win.

As a Democrat, I'd like to see at least one D in Kendall County government (which would be a first in history, honestly). But as a spectator in a race where there is no Democrat with the nerve to run, I'm backing Weis.

And opposing Dallas Ingemunson, Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert's original benefactor.

Fire Fran Townsend.

First of all, the president's Homeland Security Advisor is terrible in front of a camera. Second of all, she's conveying the message that the post-Katrina problem was local, and those who didn't get out of the way were their worst enemy.

Don't point fingers and lay blame, she says.

Take a clue from your own "Disparage Others After They Disparage You" playbook, honey.

That's a stunning jacket, by the way, isn't it?

Scott McClellan: Voice of Experience.

From the Voice of Experience category today, Scott McClellan recaps on the way Dick "Dick" Cheney and his staff decided to handle press coverage of his accidental shooting of a hunting companion and campaign donor over the weekend:

``I think you can always look back at these issues and look at how to do a better job,'' McClellan said when asked if he was satisfied how the situation was handled.

Wow. I've got to keep that one in my back pocket for when I need a lame excuse.

Fox Will Be Fox.

I love the titles under the talking heads on Fox today:

"Cheney Not First VP to Shoot Someone"

"Gerald Ford Said To Be Dangerous On Golf Course"

"VP Aaron Burr Shot Alexander Hamilton In Duel"

OK. OK. How about some more? How about...

"Nixon Was Also Drunken Lunatic"

"Elder Bush Shot By D.C. Mistress During Eighties"

"Quayle Never Shot By Anyone"

Chicago Tribune Readers Say the Funniest Things...

The comments field on the Cheney story is simply dripping with my tears of laughter.

One genius says:

Give me a break this is so stupid. If the guy died then it would be a big deal but the guy is not that injured. Im not even Republican and think people are making a big deal out of this because they have nothing else to do but come up with ways to find wrongs. Far worst things have gone unreported through many Presidents including Clinton.
Posted by: Scott | Feb 12, 2006 10:19:56 PM

You know, Scott is absolutely right. The guy is only in the intensive care unit this morning, and expected to be released today, according to CNN.

Jesus. This is such a big deal! The guy was only in intensive care for two days.

And Scott is right. Far worse things have happened.

President John Tyler's cabinet was nearly wiped out by cannon fire during a drunken party to christen the USS Princeton, and history books don't even tell the story!

Cheney apologist sure has a funny ring to it, doesn't it?

And If You're Still Up...

Check out "CNN Presents" at 1:00 a.m. Central Time, Monday.

I'm watching 'Dead Wrong:' Inside an Intelligence Meltdown now, and it's absolutely spellbinding.

Sobering Numbers.

Ilona has a great read over at Soapblox/Chicago with some sobering statistics about U.S. casualties in Iraq.

Just as she leads with "three cheers to Esquire" magazine for the story, I say Three Cheers for Ilona.

She's just started a blog, btw. The latest on my blogroll. Check it out.

She has a snappy-looking blog template, too, albeit the wrong color.

Dick Cheney. Gun Owner. NRA Member.

Shoots his quail hunting buddy's face off.

Jesus.

More than wondering if this is "Cheney's Chappaquiddick" (as it happens, the incident was reported a day after the real-life event), I'm wondering just what the hell you say to your friend after you've "peppered him pretty good" (yuk, yuk) about the face, neck and chest with your fucking shotgun.

How about these:

"Hope your your fucking face grows back..."

"Sorry I shot your face off..."

"Hope you're back hunting quail with us really soon..."

"Thanks for your campaign contributions, sorry I almost killed you..."

Look at these guys in the picture. What the hell are they thinking? "Oooooo. It's a gun! Gosh, it's beautiful." What the hell is it with these guys?