Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Hastert Defeated. We Fired The Coach.

In the final analysis, I am a fucking genius. Again.

That's right, sports fans, because what I had been saying all along has finally come to pass: and now Dennis "J. Dennis" Hastert has been defeated outside his district.

Right again, kiddos. Outside the motherfuckin' district.

Some of the beef-headed morons of the Jim Birch Society (and other various sundry dolts) snottily sneered a few months ago that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about when I said that. Today they probably think John Laesch's "Revive the American Dream" theme is what turned the House back over to Democratic hands.

"The American Dream" theme, by the way, is a southern slang akin to "hang all the niggers." True. I got a good snicker from those silly purple signs the kid kept buying, though, every time they sprang up by the dozen at corners. Oh, yeah, kid: corners don't vote. You'd want to have those signs in yards to make your popularity look real. Nice try, though.

But what in the world was I talking about? Oh, yes. How fucking smart I am.

So "The Coach," the oafish dolt, the Accidental Congressman who rose to become Accidental Speaker of the House and performed wonders as a kindly fat old man who would never lie or play demagogue (but did at every fucking turn, because he's not kindly at all) has been fired. Outside the district. The only way it could happen.

Check out the vote totals by county and tell me I'm wrong, Progressive Patriots. You blew through money like a crack whore and you've got nothing to show for it. Zip!

As for my next pronouncement: Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert won't serve out his full term of office. He can't stand losing. Never could. And now he has plenty of good excuses to waddle off to the big old farm in Wisconsin and hang out with Sensenbrenner.

The Abysmal Failure of Democrats.

Nationally, and in some places locally, there is great reason for those of us who call ourselves Democrats to be jubilant.

Linda Chapa LaVia, who garnered 70% of the vote to win a third term in the state legislature is certainly the shiniest of stars from last night. And the other Linda, Linda Holmes, won a narrow victory in another traditionally Republican district to go on to the state Senate.

Throughout Kendall County, however, the results of the takeover by the Jim Birch Society was evidenced by numbers that clearly show they are out of their league.

John Laesch spent well over $600,000 -- many times what his primary opponent, Ruben Zamora, spent in 2004 -- and had nothing to show for it. Sure, it was 40% overall by the end of the night, but the voters the Lashies attracted to the polls yesterday were not the kind that like his kind.

Nosir, you can see it in the numbers.

Gov. Blagojevich received only 38% countywide, after the Birch party all but ignored his incumbency like some sort of pox. Rich Whitney's 13% showing in the county underscores my point.

And where there were once signs that other great local candidates, like Frank Craig, had a chance to post gains in the county, there was nothing but Republican ridicule at the end of the night.

The drinks must have been flowing for the GOP's county board winners, for instance, at the Yorkville Legion Hall, as they once again took all the seats on the board. Another good candidate who friends recently told me had many Republicans actually shitting in their britches, John Crawford was, like Craig, completely ignored by the local party.

Craig's and Crawford's literature I received. Some of it, twice. For the first time in memory, I got nothing of any kind from any of the other candidates. I consider that a pretty good measure of the "hard work" these morons pledged last spring.

So what the fuck were these people doing?

Apparently, they were all assembled at a supper club in Batavia, spending the last of Laesch'$ campaign money on a victory party for Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert.

Nice job, boys and girls.

Nice job.

Correction: Laesch had raised about $230K by the last reporting statement (still 10x what Zamora had) and had $83k on hand a week before the election. Nice dinner. My bad. Guess I was still thinking about what John Pavich had raised by, oh, about six months prior to the election.