Friday, October 28, 2005

Friday Night Predictions

George W. Bush, with a history of heart problems, will drop dead at some point during the trial phase of the CIA leak probe (which we now know will take many months), in order to protect President Dick Cheney. The combination of the years of drug abuse and alcoholism, and the added stress will simply prove too much for his fragile system. The beauty of this Rovian strategy, of course, is that it will take the focus off President Cheney's gross misdeeds, and Scooter "I. Lewis" Libby will no longer be the top news story every night for the next two years.

Scooter "I. Lewis" Libby will ultimately plead guilty and cooperate with Patrick Fitzgerald's investigation, which will nearly coincide with his appointment by Former Next President Al Gore to the post of U.S. Attorney General.

Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert will also drop dead, likely the result of some bizarre electrocution during a blogging session.

Tom DeLay will come out of the closet and claim the mantel of the fallen Speaker (which he is, in reality, already). DeLay will then spend the next 2-4 years getting boned up the ass every night in the news, just the kind of fitting treatment one would expect of a pius little cocksucker like DeLay.

Scooter "I. Lewis" Libby will do serious time, even after cooperating with the prosecution, and seriously earn his nickname.

President Cheney will declare martial law and dissolve Congress's Constitutional powers of oversight.

Forget that last part. That's already been voluntarily given up.

President Cheney will pardon himself and all others in Traitorgate before leaving office after his fourth secret heart transplant.

Karl Rove will one day step on his dick, and it will matter to someone other than Jeff Gannon.

The Queen of All Iraq, Judith Miller, will (true to predictions from her former NYT colleagues) spend the next 35-50 years on "book leave" from the newspaper.

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