Get Over It! Just Get Out!

Oops. The word is out tonight! Why not save us some money and just resign now?

Seriously, Mr. Hastert, here's your $180,000 salary for 2008 in advance. I'll say this in language even you can understand:

Go gitcherself apeera fokkin glasses that fitcher fokkin mellenhed.

Ice cold Foster, anyone?

By the way, here's a little something to downplay that tiresome bit about Hastert being the "longest-serving Republican Speaker in history." Enjoy.

A Turd By Any Other Name...

Is still a turd.

From TurdBlossom to TurdLick, and now another... Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert's president has his little Gillespie back.

And even Forbes is crying foul.

Is it that Republicans don't talk about Gillespie being queer as a three dollar bill because it's rude, or because they're afraid people might already know? Or is it because it's nobody's business?

Elvis Has Left The Building.

I, however, have returned.

The Greatest American Hero.

Perhaps. I know she was mine.

Rest In Eternal Peace, Molly Ivins.

So... Where Am I?

After a year or so of having people try to find out who I am, I'm now faced with the dilemma of telling you where I am. It can't really hurt, or expose, me. There are so many others just like me in the area, it would still make it hard to put a finger on me.

I have joined the ranks of the underemployed, which is a funny way to put it: I am working two jobs.

Ever wonder why the unemployment numbers haved remained so low while so few jobs have been created under the Bush Administration? I don't anymore, since my own polling in the workplace(s) tells me that about 40% of all the people I work with directly at my two full-time jobs sit on either side of the oarlocks of the boat we're in together.

Mercifully, I am home (sort of) for the holidays. I say sort of because only the body is here today. Spirits are low.

I have taken more than a month off of the blog only because I'm so busy, and because (even though I knew in my heart it would happen), America has Fired The Coach.

There will be more from me. Likely, I'll send 50MO into a new direction this year. Fewer posts (more than likely) and a renewed focus on what goes on here politically 50 Miles Out of the Loop.

For some who wanted to believe that my tail is between my supple but muscular legs because of other reasons, you can keep peddling that nonsense in the comments. I won't disabuse any fool of their pursuits.

And yes, I promise some juicy cock pictures tomorrow.

True Believer Dead At 94.

Milton Friedman, the truest believer in unbridled capitalism, has died.

I believe it's been said that Friedman had the ear of three presidents. They would be Nixon, Reagan, and Bush. Not exactly a great track record for economic security.

As much as I have long respected his intellectual genius, I could never understand how any economist could openly endorse (or even suggest) that consumers should be thrown to the dogs of industry.

Hastert Defeated. We Fired The Coach.

In the final analysis, I am a fucking genius. Again.

That's right, sports fans, because what I had been saying all along has finally come to pass: and now Dennis "J. Dennis" Hastert has been defeated outside his district.

Right again, kiddos. Outside the motherfuckin' district.

Some of the beef-headed morons of the Jim Birch Society (and other various sundry dolts) snottily sneered a few months ago that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about when I said that. Today they probably think John Laesch's "Revive the American Dream" theme is what turned the House back over to Democratic hands.

"The American Dream" theme, by the way, is a southern slang akin to "hang all the niggers." True. I got a good snicker from those silly purple signs the kid kept buying, though, every time they sprang up by the dozen at corners. Oh, yeah, kid: corners don't vote. You'd want to have those signs in yards to make your popularity look real. Nice try, though.

But what in the world was I talking about? Oh, yes. How fucking smart I am.

So "The Coach," the oafish dolt, the Accidental Congressman who rose to become Accidental Speaker of the House and performed wonders as a kindly fat old man who would never lie or play demagogue (but did at every fucking turn, because he's not kindly at all) has been fired. Outside the district. The only way it could happen.

Check out the vote totals by county and tell me I'm wrong, Progressive Patriots. You blew through money like a crack whore and you've got nothing to show for it. Zip!

As for my next pronouncement: Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert won't serve out his full term of office. He can't stand losing. Never could. And now he has plenty of good excuses to waddle off to the big old farm in Wisconsin and hang out with Sensenbrenner.

The Abysmal Failure of Democrats.

Nationally, and in some places locally, there is great reason for those of us who call ourselves Democrats to be jubilant.

Linda Chapa LaVia, who garnered 70% of the vote to win a third term in the state legislature is certainly the shiniest of stars from last night. And the other Linda, Linda Holmes, won a narrow victory in another traditionally Republican district to go on to the state Senate.

Throughout Kendall County, however, the results of the takeover by the Jim Birch Society was evidenced by numbers that clearly show they are out of their league.

John Laesch spent well over $600,000 -- many times what his primary opponent, Ruben Zamora, spent in 2004 -- and had nothing to show for it. Sure, it was 40% overall by the end of the night, but the voters the Lashies attracted to the polls yesterday were not the kind that like his kind.

Nosir, you can see it in the numbers.

Gov. Blagojevich received only 38% countywide, after the Birch party all but ignored his incumbency like some sort of pox. Rich Whitney's 13% showing in the county underscores my point.

And where there were once signs that other great local candidates, like Frank Craig, had a chance to post gains in the county, there was nothing but Republican ridicule at the end of the night.

The drinks must have been flowing for the GOP's county board winners, for instance, at the Yorkville Legion Hall, as they once again took all the seats on the board. Another good candidate who friends recently told me had many Republicans actually shitting in their britches, John Crawford was, like Craig, completely ignored by the local party.

Craig's and Crawford's literature I received. Some of it, twice. For the first time in memory, I got nothing of any kind from any of the other candidates. I consider that a pretty good measure of the "hard work" these morons pledged last spring.

So what the fuck were these people doing?

Apparently, they were all assembled at a supper club in Batavia, spending the last of Laesch'$ campaign money on a victory party for Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert.

Nice job, boys and girls.

Nice job.

Correction: Laesch had raised about $230K by the last reporting statement (still 10x what Zamora had) and had $83k on hand a week before the election. Nice dinner. My bad. Guess I was still thinking about what John Pavich had raised by, oh, about six months prior to the election.

Yeah. Right.

Looks like somebody's changing his tune.

Oh Yeah??

Well, Fuck Chris Lauzen, too.

I've been following the radio forums here for years. Last night's WSPY forum started off with Frank Craig (who, along with the Crawford guy, sounded great last week). Frankly, I like Craig a lot, but can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with the party around here. He should have support coming out of his ears!

No offense to Frank if you're reading, but I'm pretty sure I'd vote for a plunger rather than Chris Lauzen, who closed last night by firing a "message to Sen. John Kerry..." and some others about "insulting our men and women in uniform."

Excuse me... what?

As usual, Lauzen is over the top with a red herring. And he's way out of his league.

Please vote for Frank Craig.

Word.

Phukbusch.

34% approval rating today; 69% say he sodomized us on Iraq.

That means "he fucked us" to you plumbers out there.

Hi Denny. You, buddy, fucked yourself.

Dumb As A Rock.

I fucking hate Laura Bush. But I had no idea that stupid bitch had a penis until she stepped on it today.

I hope this bites her polyester-skinned ass off.

NEWS FLASH:

Sen. John Kerry calls President Bush stupid; Bush thinks he meant someone else.

Anybody else not get that?

Envy.

Jesus. Why can't we find these guys in the 14th CD?

Why, oh why...

Young, sharp, energetic, family man, professional. ATTORNEY. Not petulent, grown-up, turning his opponent's life upside-down while he raises more than $500K. ON ISSUES. ACTUAL FORMER CIA OFFICER...

Wonder who the locals are going to endorse in our district... Anybody have any ideas?

Bonjean's Brilliance.

Ohhhhhhhh... Can't even think straight, this is so funny!

Read Wonkette's take on the press conference.

Half of Country to Hastert:

Fuck You, Asshole.

While half the district says the same to John Laesch, according to a small article in today's Tribune.

And you all thought I was an enigma.

I'm so fucking mainstream, I could vomit.

Sheeps.

If this asshole can raise $945,000 there, all I can say is that not only are the people around Grand Rapids a flock of sheep, they're the dumbest fucking cocksuckers on earth.

From 2004:

If we make the wrong choice, then the danger is that we'll get hit again -- that we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States...

And then we'll fall back into the pre-9/11 mindset, if you will, that in fact these terrorist attacks are just criminal acts and that we're not really at war. I think that would be a terrible mistake for us.

Dick B. "Dick" Cheney, September 7, 2004, on the campaign trail speaking to a group of stupid fucking cocksuckers in Des Moines, IA.

Meat Head.

This is the face of a man who would stoop to accusing the boogeyman (or Bill Clinton or maybe even George Soros -- whoever's name is within reach of his overreaching imagination at the moment) of creating all the problems of the world.

This, my friends, is my Friday Night Cock Picture.

For pictured above is the Biggest Prick I've seen in a long time.

What An Asshole.

The Preznent is on live television at this moment shilling, once again, his most famous unfunded mandate, Every Public School System Left Behind.

The very thought that an avowed lifetime "C" student has crafted a plan to rate and punish the public school system designed and stewarded by Democrats for generations is laughable.

Further, that his lazyspeak (ie "we gotta..." "allahs us tuh get tuh thuh root uh thuh problum..." and so on) points to "those of us in Washintun not soffnin" on the measure as the primary responsibility of government should tell you everything you need to know about this Major League Asshole In Chief who heads a party overrun with unmitigated, cretinous misanthropes.

The primary goal of our Democracy, in case any of you have forgotten, is to ensure that every person in this country has the same opportunities as the next person. Meaning fund the public school system, you fucking asshole.

That Denny "J. Dennis" Hastert, one-half of a pensioned, retired teacher household that will retire comfortably on two teacher pensions, continues to subscribe to this nonsense is another untouched, unprobed measure of John Laesch's failed campaign.

Hint to the Lashies: you pussies can use the issue if you so choose. Oh, yes... tell us what you would do for a fucking change, too.

Laesch Scores Big On Hastert Scandal.

Well, not really.

I'm home this morning cleaning the chunky vomit stains out of my livingroom rugs after spewing my dinner during last night's Hardball appearance by the boy who would be Denny.

Besides being a terrible interview, I was not in vomitas over the sight of the pisher king. No, it was the boy trying to compete with Tweety for wordspace; it was the petulant pursed lips who thought he was there to compete with the man who is known for cutting off his guests after a word or two; it was the untrained non-answers that any decent candidate would have had dripping without tripping at this point on the campaign trail.

I'll give you my take on both sides of this issue. Number one, I'm with The Chicagoist on this one. Hastert's holding a press conference momentarily, and the netgoons are spinning that it's over for the fat man. But this is a guy who has taken the point position for the GOP Mouthpieces blaming Clinton, George Soros, and any other boogeyman in the tired, pathetic GOP trick bag. I don't see a resignation on the horizon. And I don't see anything less than a 60/40 win for Hastert on November 7.

As for Laesch, if I am wrong he will prove to be the luckiest man on earth. I will pay an investigator to search for the 666 on his scalp. This candidate has done nothing positive, has not offered a single cogent solution to anything going on anywhere under the sun.

John Laesch is a unibrowed two-faced liar who made it a practice to get riproaring drunk and beat up strippers in his salad days. And those days are over. His first order of business as a candidate was to sever the head of any decent Democrat who stood in his way, while abandoning any notion that he may need those same people somewhere down the road.

I'm reminded of a someone's passage just the other day while writing about Mark Foley's sins: "in vino veritas." In wine, there is truth.

There you go. Buy this kid a drink or two and watch the truth come out. Voters in IL CD14 don't have much of a choice right now. Thanks, kid.